As Father’s Day approaches, shops fill with cards, BBQ accessories, and tool sets.

But behind the celebratory displays, many local fathers carry a quieter, more complex reality. The pressure to be a “perfect” dad, often leaves men navigating high expectations, completely on their own.

For Canberra-based therapist Matt Musgrave, founder of Strong Space Counselling, this is a daily conversation.

Part of Mr Musgrave’s work involves helping men bridge the gap between who they are and the dads they want to be.

With endless parenting tips available online, many men are trying harder than ever, yet they often end up feeling stuck.

“Guilt and confusion are the two main feelings that come up,” Mr Musgrave says.

“A lot of guys are not knowing what to do and feeling that the things they do are not working and they are holding a lot of guilt around that.”

This drive to do better can cause paralysis.

Mr Musgrave notes there is “…a solid increase in that kind of self-awareness that guys are trying to move towards around wanting to do things better and do things differently.”

However, “…that very desire also becomes the thing that causes them to feel quite overwhelmed and lost and inadequate”, he says.

Often, this manifests as a stressful drive for self-control, Mr Musgrave says.

“The thing we certainly hear the most is this desire for self-control,” Musgrave explains.

Many men believe “…everything would be better if they could just have more control over themselves and more discipline”.

But this can be a double-edged sword.

“You can know everything and do everything and learn all the skills, but if it’s still coming from that place of fear and that place of working towards not feeling inadequate, then more often than not it misses the mark entirely,” Mr Musgrave warns.

“It’s not always about what you do, it’s also about how you do it,” he says.

Ultimately, there’s a big difference between wanting to ‘not be a bad dad’ versus wanting to ‘be a good dad.’

So, what do children actually need from their fathers?

According to Mr Musgrave, though of course different children need different things, the overall answer is simpler than many dads might think.

“At the end of the day, the research around this stuff is fundamentally clear,” he says.

“What kids require in order to grow into adults that contribute and who feel comfortable and safe and can be expressive of their full authenticity, is a parent that is safe and connected.”

Rather than over-complicating parenting roles, Mr Musgrave’s work focuses on supporting men to be able to hold safety in themselves and connection to themselves so that they can model that to their children.

For dads who are struggling and want to change course, Mr Musgrave offers three practical starting points.

Work on Yourself First: “Any form of self-reflection, self-awareness and emotional regulation is going to be the number one priority when it comes to building trust and relationship and safety with our kids,” Mr Musgrave advises.

“We are modelling that ability to take care of ourselves and to honour and respect ourselves.”

Learn ‘Rupture and Repair’: Dads don’t need to be perfect. Mr Musgrave stresses the importance of learning ‘rupture and repair’.

“It’s learning how to make mistakes and then how to repair them. How to be in accountability and responsibility-taking,” he says.

Mr Musgrave stresses that no man is perfect and that all men will make mistakes and get things wrong, but that this is not only a normal part of the process, but a necessary one.

Practice Self-Compassion: The hardest part for many men is letting go of self-criticism, Mr Musgrave says.

“The piece that men have the most difficulty with is self-compassion, that is, being kind to ourselves,” he says.

“Learning to actually like ourselves and honour the things we do well.”

What is his most urgent piece of advice?

For fathers who might feel disconnected or overwhelmed it’s simple.

“Do not do it alone,” he says.

Whether through professional support, local sporting communities, dads’ groups, or a Men’s Shed, connecting with others is vital.

“You can try to grin and bear it and figure it out,” Mr Musgrave says.

“But there are so many men and so many guys out there who have done this work before … and who want to help, so find yourself community and friendships and don’t do it alone.”

For those looking to reflect this Father’s Day, Mr Musgrave offers a powerful perspective shift, rooted in a deep understanding of behaviour change.

Instead of starting with shame, he encourages dads to ask themselves a different question this Father’s Day.

What if everything that you’ve experienced up until now and the ways that you behave were understandable and they would make sense?

Instead of beating yourself up for things that you haven’t done or aren’t doing well, thank yourself for wanting to do differently, and reach out to other men who understand, who may have been where you are, and who can help you change course.

To learn more about Strong Space Counselling, visit the website.