We’ve all been there. You’re having coffee with a friend and before you know it, you’re complaining that your partner never picks up their phone or sighing about your teenager leaving wet towels on the floor. Sometimes it’s a workmate who drives you mad, or a parent whose “helpful advice” feels more like criticism. Afterwards, you might feel guilty; after all, these are people you care about. So why do we talk behind people’s backs? Let’s have a look at what the research says.

Letting off steam: Often it’s simply about letting off steam. When someone close to us frustrates us, it can feel too risky or uncomfortable to bring it up directly. Talking it through with a trusted friend gives us a safe outlet to release frustration and calm down before deciding what to do next. It’s a bit like pressure escaping from a valve, it stops things from boiling over.

Checking we’re not overreacting: Sometimes we’re not sure if our feelings are justified. Maybe your best friend forgot your birthday, or your flatmate left the fridge empty again. Sharing the story with someone else helps us check in, “Would you be upset too?” That reassurance can make us feel less alone or help us see the situation in a different light.

Avoiding conflict: Many of us hate confrontation, especially with the people we love. Rather than risk a big argument, we complain to someone else instead. While this can feel safer in the short term, it doesn’t solve the issue. If all we ever do is vent on the sidelines, resentment can quietly build up.

A social glue: Believe it or not, talking about others, even negatively, can strengthen bonds between the people sharing the conversation. Psychologists point out that gossip has always served as a kind of social glue. Of course, when it’s about people we care about, that bonding moment can come with guilt.

When it crosses the line: There’s a difference between a quick vent and repeated, harsh criticism. If talking behind someone’s back becomes your only outlet, or if the comments are cruel, it can damage trust and leave the relationship stuck. And let’s face it, if word gets back to the person, it can really hurt.

A better way forward: It’s natural to want to talk things through with others. But it’s worth pausing to ask: Am I using this chat to work out what I want to say, or to avoid saying it at all? If the issue matters, the healthier move is to gently raise it with the person themselves. Here’s a quick guide.

Quick Guide to talking the issue out with the person

• Pick your moment — a calm, private setting works best.
• Say how you feel — use “I” statements rather than blame.
• Stick to one issue — don’t pile on a list of complaints.
• Balance it out — remind them what you value as well as what’s hard.