Many people assume that childhood trauma ends when we grow up and move out. But for those whose parent continues to be emotionally, verbally, or even physically abusive, the pain doesn’t simply fade with age. It can follow us into adulthood, shaping how we see ourselves, how safe we feel in relationships, and how we cope day-to-day.
Understanding ongoing abuse: Abuse from a parent can take many forms: criticism, manipulation, humiliation, control, or neglect. Some adult children continue to experience these behaviours during visits, phone calls, or family events. The enduring nature of the relationship can make it especially painful; we often want our parents’ love and approval, yet that need keeps us vulnerable to hurt. When the abuse continues, we may question our worth, blame ourselves, or wonder why we can’t just “get over it.” But abuse is never our fault. It reflects the other person’s inability to manage their own emotions and behaviour, not a flaw within us. Recognising this truth is the first step toward healing.
The impact of a lifetime of trauma: Trauma from a parent leaves deep psychological marks. Many people describe chronic self-doubt, guilt, or a sense of walking on eggshells. Some develop symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress — anxiety, hypervigilance, flashbacks, and emotional numbing. Others experience physical symptoms like insomnia, fatigue, or chronic pain as their body stays in a prolonged stress state.We might also find ourselves repeating old patterns — choosing relationships that feel familiar, even when they’re hurtful, or trying endlessly to please people who will never be satisfied. Recognising these patterns allows us to start changing them.
Finding ways to protect and heal: Healing from ongoing parental abuse requires both boundaries and support. Boundaries might mean limiting contact, having shorter visits, or ending conversations when the tone turns critical. For some, it involves cutting contact altogether. These decisions are difficult and deeply personal — and it’s normal to feel grief, guilt, and confusion in the process.Therapy can help you make sense of these experiences, regulate overwhelming emotions, and develop self-compassion. Trauma-focused therapy, Schema Therapy, or EMDR can be particularly effective. In sessions, we often work on strengthening the “healthy adult” part of ourselves — the one who can comfort, protect, and nurture the vulnerable child inside, even when the parent cannot.
Moving forward: Healing doesn’t mean forgiving or forgetting; it means freeing yourself from the ongoing control of someone else’s behaviour. You can learn to set limits, reduce exposure to harm, and build relationships that are respectful and safe. Above all, remember that you are not defined by your parents’ treatment of you. You deserve kindness, respect, and peace — and it’s never too late to start giving those to yourself. If you’re struggling with the effects of trauma or family abuse, seek support. You can contact Lifeline (13 11 14), 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636). Or talk to your GP about a referral to a psychologist.
