I don’t know about you, but complaining has never come naturally to me. After returning from a recent holiday, I found myself writing several complaint letters about services that simply hadn’t delivered what had been promised. It wasn’t something I enjoyed doing. In fact, I put it off for days, wondering whether I should just let it go. Surely it wasn’t worth the hassle?

Then I realised something. This is exactly the sort of situation I often talk about with my clients. Many of us find it surprisingly difficult to speak up when we feel we’ve been treated unfairly. We worry about causing a fuss, hurting someone’s feelings or being seen as difficult. Somewhere along the way we’ve confused being polite with staying silent.

The problem is that staying silent often comes at a cost. When we don’t express our concerns, we don’t just lose money or accept poor service; we often carry the frustration around with us. We replay the experience in our minds, tell our family and friends about it, and become increasingly resentful. Sometimes the emotional energy we spend thinking about the situation is far greater than the few minutes it would have taken to raise the issue in the first place.

This is where assertiveness comes in. Assertiveness isn’t about being demanding, rude or argumentative. It sits in the healthy middle ground between saying nothing and becoming aggressive. It’s simply the ability to express your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly, respectfully and confidently.

People who communicate assertively often feel more in control of their lives. They are less likely to bottle up resentment and more likely to solve problems before they become much bigger. Assertiveness is really about self-respect, while still respecting the other person.

If you do need to make a complaint, it helps to pause before firing off an email. Decide what outcome you’re hoping for. Do you want an explanation? A refund? A replacement? Being clear about your goal helps keep your communication calm and focused.

Stick to the facts. Describe what happened, why it didn’t meet your expectations and what you would like done to resolve the situation. Resist the temptation to exaggerate or make personal attacks. The person reading your email is usually trying to help and probably wasn’t responsible for the original problem.

I’ve also learnt that it’s okay to follow up if you don’t receive a response. Being persistent isn’t the same as being aggressive.

Writing my recent complaint letters reminded me that assertiveness isn’t really about the outcome. Of course, I hope the companies respond positively, but even before they’ve replied I feel better knowing I’ve respectfully stood up for myself. I’ve said what needed to be said without being rude or unreasonable.

Perhaps that’s the real lesson. Whether it’s poor customer service, a misunderstanding at work or even a difficult conversation with someone you love, speaking up respectfully is good for your mental health. Your voice matters. You don’t have to apologise for expecting to be treated fairly. Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is politely say, “This wasn’t okay.”