Friendships at any age are important for our mental health. When healthy, they can provide a sense of belonging, security, happiness, fun and adventure, add value to our life and make us feel good about ourselves. Healthy friends also encourage us to live well and want good things for us. They are there for both the good and the bad.

When we have an unhealthy friendship with someone, they can be extremely damaging to our mental and physical health. Think about that friend who always lets you down, is never there for you, only ever talks about themselves, makes you do things you don’t want to do, or gets you into trouble at school or with your family.

You might have a toxic friend who you know isn’t good for you, but you stay with them out of ‘loyalty’ or because you’ve known them for a long time or you feel guilty about letting them go. Unhealthy friends don’t make you feel good about yourself – you often feel lonely in the friendship, judged, or like you can’t trust them or go to them when you need them.

So how do you break up with a friend who isn’t good for you?

You have to look after yourself and your interests and be okay with letting someone go. Distancing yourself from the friend or being brave and having a conversation with them about your thoughts and feelings might be needed. Get support from others if you’re finding it hard to detach. Empathise with their feelings but be firm about your decision.

Alternatively, how do you deal with being ditched as a friend by someone else?

This can be especially painful when someone you’ve been friends with for a long time or you thought your friendship was solid stops contacting you or including you in their life.

It’s okay to be hurt and sad, we have to grieve the loss of our friend, just like the loss of anything else. Seek out support from others and assess why the friendship ended. Was it because you’ve both grown apart or you don’t have anything in common with each other anymore perhaps? Talk to someone about how you’re feeling and plan to do something that helps you feel valued and loved such as being around family, pets or your community. We often think it’s our fault and it might not be.

Without friends we feel lonely, so work out how to make new friends and connections. Give it time, as it takes time to build up new friendships. It also requires effort so be willing to try new things and open yourself up to new people. You could meet new people through a hobby, joining an interest group, volunteering, reaching out to neighbours or starting a conversation with someone you see regularly but have never spoken to.

Friendships require nurturing from both parties and are worth investing in.

WITH ASSISTANT PROFESSOR DR VIVIENNE LEWIS, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AT UNIVERSITY OF CANBERRA