Professor of Psychology at University of Canberra, Dr Debra Rickwood, knows the struggles of being a parent, particularly when it’s time to send your young person off to school. Here, she answers some of the most pressing questions from parents and carers.

• What do I do if my child is struggling to stay focused?

There could be a whole lot of reasons why focusing is hard, from not getting enough sleep, to having a hearing problem, to being distracted by their friends. Firstly, talk to them about how they’re experiencing class. Sit them down and ask how it feels when they’re struggling to focus. If this conversation followed a call from school, you could say “Your teacher said you’re having trouble focusing. Can you tell me why she might think that? What’s been going on?” With a teenager you want to leave it open-ended and let them answer for themselves. A younger child may need some gentle probing, like “Are the kids distracting? Can you hear the teacher?” Make it clear that you’re trying to understand and help make the situation easier for them.

• I used to be really close with my child, but since they started high school they seem distant and don’t want to talk to me. How do I check that they’re okay?
  Firstly, this is entirely normal. It’s tough for parents – very tough – because with the onset of adolescence there can be a dramatic change in how your kids relate to you. It’s important for parents to realise that this is very normal and will pass, but to keep the lines of communication open. Some non-confrontational ways to communicate are over family meals, with no devices so everyone has the opportunity to talk about their day, and to be genuinely involved in your young person’s activities; go to their sports games, take them shopping, walk the dog – activities they enjoy that can also be an opportunity to talk. Avoid forcing them to behave like you might have in primary school, as this stops being natural as they grow up.

• Since starting high school, my child is really hard on themselves and has low self-esteem. They don’t believe me when I tell them they’re perfect the way they are, so how do I help?

This is a tough time. However, there are a number of things you can do as a parent. Part of that is not focusing on “perfection”. Perfection is a major problem. You want young people to not fear failure, to be able to receive criticism, and to not compare themselves to others where possible. This is really tough, especially in today’s world where everybody is looking for perfection. Particularly in early high school, young people are trying very hard to find a space with their peers, so they’re quite vulnerable. You want to give them unconditional love, which means they don’t have to be perfect. Encourage the goals that make them feel good about themselves when they’re working towards them.

• My child told me they’re feeling depressed and anxious. How do I support them if I don’t really understand?

If your child has confided in you, take it seriously. Try to get them to talk about it, but also think about getting professional help. Intervene early, so issues don’t escalate. We have a lot of resources in Australia, including online resources. Kids Helpline is great for younger children, and Headspace has some great resources for teenagers. These are spaces where your young person can look around and dig through themselves. Ask them if they want to talk to someone, and how they want to go about that. Definitely follow up, and do not say “everybody feels like this” or “you’ll get over it”; instead try “Most people experience depression and anxiety but that doesn’t mean you always have to feel this way. You don’t have to just put up with this.”

• My child is so worried about their ATAR they had a panic attack. I don’t want to discourage them from trying their hardest, but I want them to be okay. What should I do?

Sadly, this is very common. You need to help your young person to not stress to this level. It’s important that the parent shows the child that an ATAR isn’t the be-all-and-end-all. There are many paths in life, a bad ATAR isn’t a catastrophe, so dial down the expectations. Help them set up a good study routine, which means a realistic study routine that schedules time for breaks and fun. This is teaching them to relax. Help them have a balanced lifestyle; sleep, nutritional food, exercise, and social relationships are all essential to your ATAR too – you can’t neglect them. Learn some skills that you can teach your child about dealing with catastrophic thinking. “Mood gym” is a great online program to help deal with triggers of anxiety and depression. For a younger, hyperactive child, this may instead be learning taekwondo, or a similar highly active hobby that also teaches them to focus and clear the mind.

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