Coming out of retirement two years ago, professional basketballer and UC Capitals centre Alex Bunton started using her platform to share her experience with domestic violence. It didn’t take long until the fan favourite was invited to be a guest on podcasts and at media venues, and then There’s No Place Like Home invited her on the show.

“[They] wanted to see if I would be willing to speak a bit more in-depth about my experience and if I wanted to be open and raw in a different light, where I didn’t get to have that chance speaking in that basketball platform; I kept it quite light and a little more relatable for people,” says Ms Bunton.

Understanding that society gives athletes and celebrities a platform to speak and be heard far and wide, Ms Bunton says it’s a powerful tool.   

“Social media these days is one of those things people are always looking at, always relating to it gives people a public or even almost an anonymous way to speak up. It’s so important to be able to use that to our advantage,” she says.

The There’s No Place Like Home podcast aims to showcase the different kinds of domestic abuse so those who might be living it or know someone who is, are better informed to identify that it is abuse.

“It’s not just physical violence and it’s not just nonphysical violence; there are so many levels that people aren’t aware of that come under domestic violence. There’s financial, emotional, physical, mental, coercive control, and I think that is one of the biggest things we talk about over all the episodes is that there are so many different types of domestic violence that people didn’t know or classify as domestic violence.”

In 2019, Ms Bunton’s world changed, she retired from basketball and fell pregnant with her abusive now ex-partner. Realising she was now caring for another life is what gave Ms Bunton the push to reach out for help, accessing the services of the police and the Canberra Domestic Violence Crisis Service (DVCS).

“If you think you’re in a relationship that’s not okay, reach out in some way whatever that may be – an email, text, phone call, talk to someone, make it your own. That’s where you’ll start to build that courage and regain that strength within yourself,” she says.

Now with an adventurous toddler and in a healthy and happy relationship, Ms Bunton wants to break the stereotypes of what someone experiencing domestic violence looks like. She is passionate about helping other people who might be going through similar experiences understand domestic violence is a broad term and can look different to what one might think.

“I went through it at the start going like ‘Oh, it’s not that bad, we can fix it’. That’s where you don’t recognise that love bombing and gaslighting. Hopefully, people can start getting that insight on what domestic violence is; it can be small or big but technically it’s an act of violence,” she says.

Love bombing

Ms Bunton describes love bombing as the illusion of the world being yours, that it is just you and your partner, and they tell you everything you could want to hear.

“I didn’t have any room to really feel like anything was wrong, it’s almost like they make your world seem like it’s too good to be true. You may have those little second guesses in your mind, but it’s always backed up with them trying to shower you with words of affirmation, with gifts, like it is absolutely perfect,” she says.

Although perfection may sound like what we want in any relationship or even all aspects of our life, when it is done through love bombing there is no room for fault or second guessing. The danger in love bombing is that the perpetrator is trying to influence a person with outpourings of attention and affection.

“You get into this pattern of it’s gonna be okay, it will be fine, something might go wrong but then it is overpowered by something to fix it … A lot of people get stuck in that mental mindset of I think I’m making my own decisions but really, I’m not,” she says.

Gaslighting

Ms Bunton says gaslighting intertwines with love bombing, with both slowly wearing the person down, especially if there is some kind of conflict.

“If something does go wrong or you get into a fight it’s twisted in ways where it’s either your fault or the problem will be fixed by you having to apologise; the blame goes back on you and twisted to a positive way,” she says.

Taken from the 1944 movie Gaslight, the term has been adapted to a modern turn of phrase for the type of psychological abuse that leaves the victim questioning their own sanity, memories and perception of reality.

“You lose that sense of self-worth and that sense of independence because you’re going in your mind thinking ‘Maybe I’m too much’ or ‘Maybe I’m doing the wrong thing’.”

Financial abuse

Ms Bunton says usually there is a point in a relationship when finances are someway shared, whether it be splitting bills and rent or having a joint bank account, however, you still maintain your own independence as well.

“We miss a lot of signs where your partner may ask for money or to borrow money or buy me this, or we are evening out the bills, or they control how much you have. I went through the experience of my ex-partner kept asking for money but then gaslighting saying ‘I’ll return it’  or ‘You’re the professional basketballer, so you have more money so you can pay for this’.”

It is easy to normalise sharing money within a relationship, but Ms Bunton says sometimes it becomes too late, and they no longer have control over their own finances.

“We all have our gut feelings, and we all know what is right and wrong deep down and when something doesn’t feel right and you can’t express that with your partner, you can’t talk about, you can’t have your say, that is when something is wrong. You have to also be your own person and when that is taken away from you, that’s where it cuts the lime and it becomes abusive,” she says.

Isolation

Ms Bunton says that isolation has ties back to love bombing in the illusion that you don’t need anyone but your partner – it’s just the two of you against the world.

“If I had any issues in my life with my family or friends it would be like ‘It’s okay, you can confide in me’ but then he would use whatever I had against me. It would make it seem like, ‘you’re right, I don’t need to confide in anyone else, you’re my partner I will talk to you about things’.”

As the relationship grew deeper and more abusive, Ms Bunton was dragged further and further from her social circle and family support. Eventually, she was overcome with shame that she was in a relationship she couldn’t handle.

“I had to have my independence and I was so in a world where I was fighting for my own life where I had cut so many people off because I didn’t want them to know I was being abused. I didn’t want my family to see that I was in this type of relationship because I was in a whirlwind of trying to fix it with him,” she says.

The fear of being labelled a victim or the embarrassment of telling family and friends is something that a lot of people struggle with. Ms Bunton feels fortunate that she could go back to her family when she was pregnant and in need.

“The hardest thing was for me to find that level of I can’t expect them, to understand, I just have to accept the love and the care and over time educate them on what has happened and help them understand me,” she says.

“As a victim, we may feel like no one understands us … and you won’t ever understand because you haven’t been through it. But I think it is helpful to allow space for people to understand so you can get help.”

According to Ms Bunton, people outside the relationship may struggle to understand why you stayed so long, but those feelings of love don’t instantly go away when someone is mistreating you.

“Even if you have been abused, it’s still your relationship, you still love someone … We still go through the motions of ‘This is my partner, I love this person’ or ‘I want a relationship’, so regardless of someone’s actions, you still have that normal sense of love or being wanted, you continue to try to fight for having a relationship in a way.”

For those worried that they are the abusive one in a relationship, there are resources and services out there to help them, too. Ms Bunton applauds anyone who has that self-awareness to ask for help.

“If you feel like you’re the abuser and you want to get help, that’s going to help your life and so many others around you. There’s so many platforms out there, so many people you can speak to you to get help,” she says.

Follow Alexandra Bunton on Instagram: instagram.com/alexandra_bunton

If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence, you can call or visit the website of:

• 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732
• Canberra Rape Crisis Centre: 02 6247 2525
• Domestic Violence Crisis Service ACT: 02 6280 0900
• Lifeline: 13 11 14
• In an emergency, call 000

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