It is one of the hardest things that life throws at most of us. With half of all Australians having been diagnosed with cancer by the age of 85, the vast majority of people will see a loved one face a diagnosis in our lifetimes. Yet no one is ever really prepared. What do you do? What can you say? What sort of help can you provide without it seeming like too much, or too little?
Tarryn Fowler, a local mother of two, shared her battle with breast cancer with Canberra Daily, along with what helped her through the most difficult times of her life. When Tarryn was diagnosed, her son was two-and-a-bit years old, and her daughter was not yet 18 months.
The young mum observed an interesting parallel in the best help she received from her family and friends.
โItโs funny because itโs sort of the same as when someone has a baby. Home-cooked meals always help, as they wonโt always feel up to cooking. If they have a family, itโs helpful to offer to take the kids out for a day, even just to the park. During chemo, there are days where you feel like youโve been hit by a bus. Even offering to sleep on the couch in case the kids wake up or coming over to put a load of washing on can help so much.
โShow that youโve done some research on what theyโre going through. My best friend put together this beautiful gift basket that had lollies that were really good for when youโre not feeling hungry, some icy poles for the days you canโt eat, socks to keep your feet warm. At the end there was a bottle of my favourite wine โ โFor us to drink when you beat thisโ,โ she said.
โHaving that positive attitude really helps motivate you. You donโt want your loved ones to say, โPoor youโ. Instead say, โItโs okay. Youโre going to beat thisโ and โWhat can we do to help?โ At the end of the day, itโs just about doing what you can, even if you donโt feel like itโs much.โ
Tarryn emphasised that helping your loved one is not limited to when they are going through chemo.
โFor me, one of the hardest parts was when it all stopped. The appointments all stopped, you werenโt seeing someone every day or every week, you were on your own. And now that your hair was growing back, and youโre getting back to work, everyoneโs like, โOh, youโre better nowโ. In reality, your body is completely different than before cancer, and you really have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.โ
To look after your loved one in this stage of healing, Tarryn said itโs all about awareness.
โI wasnโt even aware of that low point until my mum had done the research. She said to me, โIโm just letting you know, for the next two weeks, Iโm going to be checking in on you every dayโ. And it helped a lot. Just know that even if your loved one has gotten the okay to say theyโre healed, it doesnโt mean that they feel okay inside. Particularly if their appearance has changed a lot, or theyโve had to make physical sacrifices.
โBe aware of their internal battles, and what lifestyle changes your loved one may need to make.โ
For more information, visit www.cancercouncil.com.au/cancer-information/for-family-and-friends/
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