It’s one of the first words we learn as infants. In fact, as parents, we actively encourage our infants and children to be able to say ‘No’. “Do you want this to eat? – No”. “Do you want to play with this? – No”. “Do you want to do this? – No”.
So, why is it so hard as adults to say no? My clients constantly tell me that they are feeling overwhelmed and over committed because they can’t say no. Common things such as agreeing to do things we don’t want to do, to see people we don’t want to spend time with, to go to events we don’t want to attend. It can be frustrating, stressful, and anxiety-inducing. My clients commonly say, “I want to say no but I feel that I can’t”.
Why do we do this? It can be for several reasons. One is that we don’t like to deal with negative emotions like people being upset with us or disappointed. Another can be the need to be liked and approved of. Sometimes it’s because we like to feel needed. Other times it can be that we don’t want to make someone angry. Or maybe we feel we ‘should’ say yes.
What’s the consequence of not saying no?
By not saying no when we don’t want to do something or overcommitting to things, we neglect our own needs and cause ourselves extra stress. We can also worry about saying no and the consequences.
However, if you always say ‘yes’ to everyone, people will continue to ask and expect you to agree. We are saying, “I will always put other’s needs first at the expense of my own needs.” This makes us unhappy in the long-term. We may resent others, and feel they are taking advantage of us.
When we constantly try to please others, we are not listening to our own needs. Saying no does not make us selfish – this is a common worry – rather, it helps us preserve our resources for things that are really important to say yes to.
How do we learn to say no? Well, we have to practise!
Practise saying no to easier things. For example, saying no to options a person might give, such as a food or outings choice.
Start telling people what you do want and make your needs clearer. Your needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. Remember the metaphor of putting your own oxygen mask on first before you can help others.
Remind yourself that you can’t please everyone and not everyone will like you. As uncomfortable as this thought is, we have to stop people pleasing at the expense of our own needs. This is not selfish, it’s about self-preservation!
Lastly, if you feel caught off guard with a request, tell the person you’ll get back to them or you’ll have to think about it. That gives you time to work out your ‘no’ response.
Get local, national and world news, plus sport, entertainment, lifestyle, competitions and more delivered straight to your inbox with the Canberra Daily Daily Newsletter. Sign up here.
