In her occasional column for Canberra Daily, ‘Why your mind matters’, founder of Anytime Counselling, Tina Kendall-Davis BA, BEd, DipCouns, GradDipPsyc, offers general advice to help us cope in everyday situations. This week’s topic: Assumption. The killer of courtesy.

Assumption.

Friend or foe?

Depends on how you use it really.

Assumption can (and should) most definitely work for us. However, it can absolutely work against us too.

And when it’s working against us – it’s an absolute beast at destroying courtesy.

Consider this; assumptions provide our brain with a way of taking a break from the cumbersome task of analytical thinking. ‘There’s no rustling in those reeds – I can assume there’s no tiger waiting to pounce’. Maybe there is – maybe there isn’t; but if living meant scrutinising every single situation we faced without obvious reason for doing so, we’d rapidly burn out from mental exhaustion.

So yes. Assumption is definitely our friend.

When we keep it in check!

When we start making assumptions about the people around us, the outcome can be very different.

Assuming that everyone is better off than you; doing it easier than you; more successful than you – this does nothing but erode our inner being and confidence. It can make us feel so down and out that we can lend to the idea of giving up on even trying.

The reality being – we have absolutely no idea how well-off people really are, nor how well they are really doing. Assumptions like this are not your friend. They offer no courtesy towards yourself, and actively promote demise.

And given the definition of courtesy is directed towards others – you can imagine what assumption can do to our relationships.

“They’re fine”. “They’re so blessed”. “They don’t need any help”. “Nothing worries them”. “They won’t mind”. “They’ve nothing to worry about” …

Cringe! RIP courtesy, it was nice knowing you. But now you are gone. Sigh…

Luckily, much like all good gaming heroes, if you press reset, you can bring courtesy back.

Life can be hard. It’s busy, expensive, chaotic, demanding, unrelenting.

And even those we assume to be all over it; to be in control; to have it all – even these people are still people and, while stoic in appearance, can be struggling on the inside. What’s to say our assumption was right in the first place? We can only imagine the number of times there really was a tiger hiding in those reeds.

Reach out. Say G’day. Ask the question “how are you?” and mean it. Wait for the answer and listen to your friend or colleague. Invite the person who has it all and buy them a coffee – for all we know, they may be about to lose their house. Are some of your coins and time really too much to ask to let someone know you care?

It doesn’t need to be grand. Even a phone call led by a ‘hey, I was just thinking about you’. ‘What’s news in your world?’ ‘How are you travelling?’ can open up the space for someone to feel seen and heard. To feel that people care about them. To make their day.

And as such an easy thing to do to make someone’s day, why don’t we do it more often?

When left unchecked, assumptions really can kill courtesy – eroding friendships and destroying relationships. Sometimes we rely on our friends and our family; sometimes they rely on us. But never assume that everything is okay – because really, we never know – unless we ask.

Editor’s note: This column provides information that is general in nature. Please always refer to your preferred health professional for advice suited to your personal healthcare requirements.

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