When a woman becomes a mother, it is a psychologically transformative experience. A woman’s identity is changed in an instant when she becomes a mother and her life often changes in ways she never expected. For some women this transformation is smooth and easy but for many it’s not. There’s a reason why it’s called the hardest job in the world and a mother never stops learning or doing her job. I note that not everyone has a mother who gave birth to them in their life. Here when I talk about the importance of the mother, I mean the person who cares and loves their child in an unconditional and empathic way that is unlike any other.
I have many clients who ask me ‘What’s a good mother and how do you know if you’re a good mother or you have a good mother?’. From a psychologist’s point of view, a good mother is one who loves her child unconditionally and can meet their emotional needs. She’s accepting of who her child is and she’s responsive to her child, she allows her child to make mistakes and forgives. Unfortunately, motherhood is often portrayed in the media and culturally in ways that are unrealistic and in an idealised view, putting a lot of pressure on mothers. A good mother isn’t perfect, she makes errors of judgement and sometimes gets angry and frustrated but she’s loving and always has the best interests of her child in mind. She doesn’t have to treat all of her children the same but rather interacts with them depending on their individual needs and loves them all equally.
Children need reassurance, touch, and unconditional love, and mothers (and mother types) intuitively know this. Mothers will often say their connection with their child happened instantly but for some, it can take more time. Sometimes a mother may be struggling with her own mental health. For example, in cases of post-natal depression, the mother really wants to feel connected to her child but for some reason cannot. This is where mothers need to seek out support for themselves from a non-judgemental person like a psychologist. There are also times when a mother may not like her child because they’ve made her cross, so learning parenting tips can help too.
Children don’t come with their own instruction manual, so mothers are learning as they go and making mistakes all the time. Often how a mother was mothered herself influences her behaviour and I work with many women who don’t want to mother like they were mothered. Mothering also changes as a child ages so she can be filled with different anxieties over time.
Mothers are busy, often taking care of several children, taking care of the home and the office. They need to support and love themselves as well as time to look after their own needs.
This Mother’s Day, let’s celebrate those mothers (and mother types) who are or have been in our lives for giving their best.
