In her occasional column for Canberra Daily, ‘Why your mind matters’, founder of Anytime Counselling, Tina Kendall-Davis BA, BEd, DipCouns, GradDipPsyc, offers general advice to help us cope in everyday situations. This week’s topic: When 7 8 9.

I so think myself to be a genius – stealing this line from a kid’s joke. (Spoiler alert: it should read ‘when seven ate nine’.)

And I have to ask the question – why does seven need to be so cruel?

And how often are we the sevens, eating the innocent nines? Oftentimes, these poor nines are completely unknown to us, we have never met before, and we are unlikely to see ever again.

But still, we attack the opportunity to eat them up and spit them out – making them feel just awful, and for what? Absolutely no successful outcome whatsoever.

Why do people do that?

Why do we do that?

I remember as a new mum with an anaphylactic kid – exhaustion my only friend at this point – being eaten up and spat out by a seven.

My crime? Taking a chocolate frog off my child.

The reason I committed said crime? It would have killed him.

The ‘reason’ seven ate me? She believed I cared more about my weight (?) than being a good mother.

I could have screamed all the eff words the dictionary needs added to it – but exhaustion rescued me. I said nothing. But I did go home and cry.

I remember when I had 10,000 jobs on the ‘to do’ list, to be done with a 14-month-old in tow (what fun, I hear you grimace. It was. Oh look – I forgot the n’t on that … must still be traumatised). 

Seven properly ate me up that day.

My crime – playing with/distracting my kid as we waited in line by bending over and standing up again whilst I hugged him. He loved it. I nearly vomited – but the laughs were worth it.

The reason I committed said crime – because screaming is much more soul destroying than laughing and I was doing the whole shop a favour.

The reason seven ate me – and spat me out – I was a stupid mother who was going to give him brain damage.

I didn’t respond. I was 10,000 jobs in, I had nothing left in the tank. But she hurt me. She made me stress that I had indeed damaged my child, and to this day (more than a decade later) – I remember her bitter face intricately. I could pick her out of a criminal line-up any day.

Sadly, the list goes on.

Not just for me. For everyone.

Why do we have so many sevens in the world? Why do sevens choose to invest so much energy in being unkind? In being awful?

The reality is, the behaviour of a seven is a reflection of THEM– not the nine. Their behaviour convincingly tells us that the seven isn’t a happy one, that the seven is struggling on the inside – for reasons they may not even be consciously aware of. The seven is outwardly expressing how they inwardly feel; and whilst no, we do not need to be subjected to this behaviour, screaming back at them will solve nothing. In reality, it’ll just add fuel to a strong burning fire.

And you’ll get burned. Not the seven, the seven is already hurting – so they won’t feel the extra pain amid their pain. But you will. So, it won’t be worth it. Engaging with the seven will never be worth it.

What we can do to protect ourselves is reflect the behaviour back onto the seven, not internalise it into the nine.

As the seven projects, the nine reflects.

Like a mirror – reflect it back where it belongs. Away from you and onto them.

Words are just words and they carry no meaning until the recipient assigns them some. Don’t assign any value, any meaning to the words of a seven.

Reflect and protect.

Reflect them back to where they belong, and protect what matters most – you.

And take note if it is indeed you being the seven.

Every day, we have a choice. We can choose whether or not we want to be a seven.

When we make the conscious decision to take note of how we are treating others, we can reign in the unnecessary nasty the sevens emit.

Always check in with you – and ask yourself, ‘am I being a seven?’

And if it turns out we are being a bit of a seven, with conscious effort, we can make the changes necessary to remedy the behaviour and keep it in line. By addressing the hurt from within, we can extinguish the fire. It takes work – but the dividends are worth it. Invest in you – you’re worth every penny.

When we acknowledge and address our inner being and nurture it well, sevens begin to starve.

And if we can starve out the sevens, we can reign in some of this abundant aggression that serves nobody well.

Life is short. Let’s live it well and laugh daily – despite what that bitter person says!

Editor’s note: This column provides information that is general in nature. Please always refer to your preferred health professional for advice suited to your personal healthcare requirements.

Other articles by Tina Kendall-Davis

• Why your mind matters: Assumption, the killer of courtesy (31 July 2022)
• Why your mind matters: To say or not to say (29 May 2022)
• Why your mind matters: When we just feel ‘meh’ (3 April 2022)
• Why your mind matters: See global, act local (26 March 2022)
• Why your mind matters: Comparison, the killer of comfort (22 March 2022)
• Why your mind matters: Fear versus excitement (8 March 2022)