Let’s take a moment to reflect on what it means to be a father. It’s not just the male who donated their sperm or happened to be related to you, but the man who’s your dad, the one who loves you unconditionally and has your very best interests in mind. Who does more than just provide the finances or the house but the one who tries his best to meet our emotional and psychological needs. There’s no one-size-fits-all father, and all have their strengths and weaknesses, they are only human after all, and they learn as they go. They have to adapt as we age and go through changes, and they learn about us through our mistakes and triumphs.
Our relationship with our biological father can be complex. Not all fathers are cut out to be fathers and not all great father figures are related to us. Perhaps there’s a father figure in your life who you can always go to, who looks after you, and supports all your adventures, hopes and dreams. They might be someone who’s practically helpful and provides financial support but is also there to support your emotional needs. Your father figure is someone you feel proud to call your dad despite their limitations and annoying habits.
When psychologists talk about positive fathering, it’s not about being perfect or never getting cross or disappointed. But it’s about being present in your child’s life no matter how old they are. It’s about being engaged with your child through listening, understanding, validating and having unconditional positive regard if when they make mistakes. It’s about looking out for your child’s mental health needs through emotional support or helping them find this if it’s beyond your expertise. A good father doesn’t have to be rich in finances, but they do need to provide not just the basics of care (food, shelter, schooling, medical needs) but help ensure their child knows they are there for them in good times and bad. They aren’t cruel and they don’t put their children down even when teaching right from wrong. Dads set reasonable boundaries, and a child finds them predictable and stable.
Children’s self-esteem and ultimate wellbeing are maximised when a father knows how to get help if they don’t know what to do, they encourage help-seeking and are proud of their child and who they are even though they may do things that are disappointing.
Being a father is a tough job that requires dedication and a willingness to do their best. However, it’s also okay for dads to ask for help, admit when they are struggling, and not be perfect. In fact, showing imperfection and making mistakes is an important lesson for children.
Being a dad is one of the hardest and most important jobs, with no instruction manual. Dads learn to adapt to the unique needs of each child.
