Feeling anxious in the company of others such as school friends, strangers, and colleagues, is one of the most common experiences in people of all ages. It might be that you worry about meeting new people, saying something in front of a group, giving a speech, answering a question in class or a staff meeting, or being at a function where there are people you might not know. We may worry about what other people are going to say to us or think about us, that we’ll say something silly, that people won’t like us, that we’ll have nothing to say, or that we’ll look uncomfortable. Public speaking is one of the worst fears.

As a result of this fear, people often avoid these situations which often makes the fear grow and it also stops us from enjoying the company of others and learning to feel competent and confident in ourselves and what we have to say. Humans are social beings, so it’s important we work on feeling comfortable socially. Psychologists teach cognitive behavioural therapeutic (CBT) skills which help people think and behave in more relaxed and comfortable ways.

What are some CBT skills?

We have to learn to face our fears (this is called exposure) but with skills to cope. Firstly, identify what you’re worried about. What are you telling yourself? Then, ask yourself how likely it is that this will happen or is true. For example, if you’re worried people might laugh at you or think you’re stupid, ask yourself if this is really true. Most of the time people don’t think anything about us and our fears rarely come true. If you are worried you’ll make a fool of yourself by giving a speech or speaking up in a meeting, for example, then practice. Practice what you’ll say if you don’t know the answer and also practice your speech, so you become fluent and comfortable. It’s good to practice in front of someone or a few people who are supportive first, so you gain confidence.

Practice learning to breathe and tell yourself it will be ok. Taking some deep breaths and positive self-talk helps us get through anxious times. It also helps us look relaxed and more confident.

What’s your motivation?

Ask yourself why you are doing this, what are the benefits? For example, why am I going to this party when it causes me so much anxiety? Perhaps it’s because you know you’ll have a good time once you’re there and you like the people you’re meeting. It’s also about facing our fears, learning we can cope, and making it easier over time.

Reward yourself for your efforts. When you do something challenging, reward your efforts. This helps motivate us to do hard things.

If you’re struggling with a lot of social anxiety and this is interfering with your day-to-day life, talk to a psychologist who can further help you learn some cognitive behavioural therapeutic techniques to help you master this.