Do you look forward to your birthday every year or is it filled with dread? Whether we’re excited by it or not has a lot to do with our personality, our age, our mental health and the people in our lives.

When we celebrate our birthday or the birthday of someone else, especially a child, we are essentially celebrating ourselves and our specialness. It is a day of affirmation for our existence in the world by, and with, those who care about us. It’s about celebrating our uniqueness and contribution to the world. Acknowledgement and validation of our birthday, especially by others, can make us feel good about ourselves and loved by others, and help us feel purposeful and valued.

Children usually get very excited about their birthday, loving the special attention from others, the playing and gift-giving. Milestone birthdays for young people often signify changes in identity and have a special meaning such as turning 16 or 18 years old. The excitement over milestone birthdays can be the case at any age. Think of those turning 80 where the celebration reminds them of their social connections and reflections on achievements and memories over the years. However, research has shown that for some, birthdays can be accompanied by negative emotions where a person may reflect on losses and perceptions of a life missing of achievements or not feeling one is where they should be for their age.

For some, they don’t want to celebrate their birthday or find that the social pressure to celebrate is overwhelming, especially for introverts. Sometimes there’s disappointment that someone forgot your special day or for children and young people, that their friends might be away or unable to come to their party. There can also be a lot of pressure to be ‘happy’ on your birthday, even though your life circumstances might not be so good at that time.

So as a loved one, what do I do for someone who doesn’t want to celebrate their birthday?

It’s important to acknowledge that it’s a person’s birthday and that you’re thinking of them and you care about them. But you can keep your birthday wishes and planning low-key if it’s your partner and family member’s birthday for example. You could plan a very small gathering with the person’s very close friends and family and involve them in that planning so it’s not a surprise that overwhelms them. It’s best to avoid organising a surprise party for someone who is quite introverted or who gets socially overwhelmed easily. Maybe think about organising an activity for the person you know they would enjoy, that they can do alone or with just you.

By understanding your needs and wants and of those around you, you can find a comfortable way to appreciate this special annual celebration. So, find your own, comfortable way to celebrate being uniquely you.